I surprised myself

As I'm sitting here watching Dr. David Jeremiah give his Easter sermon on TV, I found this the PERFECT opportunity to talk about my comfort with death after re-finding my faith.

The first weekend in March I was out running errands with the kiddos and Zach (the hubs) had just called me after he finished his golf tournament. I was NOT prepared for the news he had for me. Zach informed me that his great uncle Grover passed away. Right before Christmas, uncle Grover took a nasty fall and ended up in a wheel chair with a neck brace, this was NOT him, you could tell by looking at him. He was born in 1919 (lots of work ethic and deep conservative morals), his wife passed around in 2006 (if I remember correctly) and ever since, he has lived in Dallas by himself in the home he shared with his wife. Tough man! I always looked forward to seeing him b/c we would say hi and then he would go for a 'side hug' as that's what his generation did for male/female hugs. However...I would act like I was going to give him a side hug and then would turn at the last minute and give him a full on hug! I loved seeing his face/reaction and I love/loved this guy. The sweetest most tender hearted person!

  I was surprised at myself that when Zach told me, yes, I was shocked at the new b/c it wasn't what I was expecting at all, but more that I was only taken back by it for a couple minutes. I couldn't help but to smile and there was a comfort that swept over me. Kinsley asked what happened (she likes to know EVERYTHING), so I told her. "Uncle Grover went to God's house, to Heaven. How exciting! What do you think he is doing up there?" I wanted to keep her happy and keep it light hearted as she is only 3. She looked up out of sun roof and started smiling (I know with her child like faith, she probably was seeing heaven up there...could I BE MORE jealous?!). She said he was coloring, playing with stickers, and markers. What an amazing little kid answer...she's probably right!

Anywho, funeral time came around. The viewing and funeral were all in the same day, which I really liked instead of it being a 2-3 day experience. I only say that b/c when it's a long 'process' everybody is already emotionally drained but then add tired on top of everything else and it losses the focus of the person it is supposed to be on and goes to, 'I HAVE to go here today and then here tomorrow. What do I wear? etc etc etc....Just let me get it all out in public once, hear the stories, see everybody and then let me grieve by myself in my way where I can stay focused and really reflect. In other words, it was perfect!

Over the time period from his passing to the funeral, I always had a peace about everything, I couldn't bring myself to cry b/c I KNEW where is he was and where he is now. For most of the viewing, I was sitting in the room with his coffin and body. Before all of this there was NO WAY I was doing that, I was good just to look at the body, which I always think are going to pop up and say 'surprise!' They never do....

During the actual service, the song chosen for the 'reflective moment' was I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me.
                                           
                                                         I Can Only Imagine-Mercy Me
have always loved this song...I was singing along and noticed that I had to hold my husband's hand to stop my hand from rising up.....WHAAAATTTT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't tell you how many times I was standing in church, not wanting to sing, b/c I can't and watching all those singing and raising their hands to the Lord, how badly I wanted to do that and mean it! I wanted to raise my hands and just feel the music and feel the Lord touching my heart in praise! It seriously was happening at a funeral? Oh well....it was happening and my tears showed my excitement for it!

How amazing that through this short journey (so far) I have already heard God talking to me, witnessed God work in me, he is now ministering through me and I'm perfectly ok with death. When the Lord needs me, I'm there. Of course I want to see my children grow up and I would prefer to die at an old age however, if I happen to die sooner than later, it's ok b/c I know it is for a short period that I will be away from my loved ones and then I will get ETERNITY with them. No tears, no pain, no separation! AMAZING and I can't wait!

2 Corinthians 5:1..."an eternal dwelling in the heavens"  5:6-7..."So, we are always confident and know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight, and we are confident and satisfied to be out of the body and at home with the Lord."

I have been prolonging turning 30 for about 6 years now. I keep turning 24 over and over and over and over and over and over again. It was a good year, why mess with a good thing? However, I was putting off 30 b/c I was scared of getting old, I was scared of becoming closer to death. Ummm...hey, idiot me...I could die tomorrow why don't I just celebrate getting another year on this earth with those that I love? I'm now thankful for another year and I'm pretty ok with turning 30, as age is JUST a number and some days I feel 3, like my daughter and others I feel like I'm 90. Either way, I'm here and loving it! And when I'm not here anymore, throw glitter in my coffin and I'll be in heaven with my Lord waiting to see everybody, for eternity! If it scares you to see me for eternity, haha, I don't blame you...I'm quite the handful sometimes more times than not.

Ecclesiastes 12:4-7 "Then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it." 

Death is NOT an easy thing to accept and it has been a huge struggle for me for awhile now but I'm ok with it. I know what God's plan is for my future. I started reading another book that was recommended to me, Proof of Heaven. I didn't enjoy this book as much as Heaven is for Real but it gave a non believing scientists' point of view on God and Heaven. The moral of the story is fantastic but it just didn't give me the warm fuzzies that the truth of a 4 year old gives.

I'm still growing in my relationship with God and working on getting over my fears and demons. I've had a lot of support with the last couple of posts and have even broken down in tears of excitement that so many people have been reading my journey and have been inspired. I keep praying that the Lord will work through me for whatever HE wants to accomplish with me. My life is now HIS and what HE wants, I will do my best to give. I'm working on getting the confidence for my next post and praying about how to do it. It's a HUGE demon that I'm trying to face and hoping, with the strength of the Lord, I can finally rid myself of this after 18 years of struggling.