Happy Easter....Longest Post!

First off, let me just say that I hope everybody had a wonderful Easter weekend! Our weekend was busy with family, egg hunts, Easter pictures (taken by me-I'm trying!), good food, and most importantly, the love of our sweet savior! Really quick, before I get to my main reason for this post, here are some of the pictures I took of my precious kiddos, Kinsley (3) and Colson (4 months). 

I was lucky enough to find a place in the backyard that didn't have dog poop, 2 huge boxers=lots of poop! And...both kids did really great for a quick throw together 'session' in the wind for 10 minutes! These are just some of my favorites! I used that pink background for Kinsley's 3rd birthday party (Dora themed). Foam board covered in fabric, tape it to the back, instant backdrop! $5.99 at Hobby Lobby with 40% off coupon=$3.60ish and then the fabric so, about $5! 

Ok, the reason for this post.....Almost 3 years ago my journey to rediscover my faith in God and relationship with him started when my neighbor passed away. She couldn't have been more than in her early 40s, married and 2 young girls (at the time, one in high school and one just starting college). I was pregnant with Kinsley and her death 'hit me hard!' All I could think about was death and how scary it was to me. I started questioning EVERYTHING and I kept breaking down in tears thinking about her husband and how he would be able to sleep in the bed they shared, her two girls not having their mother at their graduations, wedding days, birth of their children, etc. I couldn't stop thinking about their family. It was LITERALLY ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT! I was staying up until almost 3 am every night b/c I was scared I was going to die in my sleep, so if I slept less, I would cut my chances of that happening. This all seems sooooo foolish now but it took me 3 years to get here, tons of questions, millions of answers, and a 3 yr old singing bible songs! 

I opened up to a very close friend of mine that I have had in my life for almost 13 years now, she is so strong in her faith and I KNEW she would be able to help direct me and lead me to a place where I could get my answers. She has always been that person for me and I couldn't be more appreciative! The best advice she gave me was "ask God." At a time when I was trying to figure out God, she wanted me to just ask him questions? They were the weirdest questions but ones that I couldn't let go of and just wanted an answer so I could move on. Ex:) If God made the earth in 7 days, where do dinosaurs fit in b/c they aren't mentioned in the Bible? Where is the universe? Who made God or where did he come from? So....I prayed about it. 

One day, as I was driving to Wal-Mart, I was listening to 100.7 (weird that my radio wasn't on 820 am or 660 am, as I ALWAYS listened to politics), the minister on the radio spoke directly to me. He said: "God has given us what we are allowed to know and what we can handle. Is God not allowed to have secrets that He will reveal to us later? We do not need to know everything, just what he has given."--YES! That's what I NEEDED! I know that was God getting his message to me and I HEARD IT! I was satisfied with that! Then....I wanted MORE, I NEEDED more. 

Last September, 2 months before I was due with Colson, I attended a small group bible study. My friend 'M' (mentioned above), knew I needed to go as I had just been hospitalized and released for what turned out to be a panic attack. It was my first one and I honestly didn't know what it was but it was SCARY and I was scared. Anyways, we went and all I could do was cry, I wasn't sure why I was crying but I couldn't help it and I KNOW it was different that a 'I'm  pregnant and just saw a cute puppy on TV' cry. I was surprised at how I wasn't overwhelmed being in a room where people were speaking in tongue in deep prayer/praise and people were literally having a spirit filled moment when the ministers placed their hands on the person they were praying over. 'M' pointed out where in the bible it talks about these things, it was scripture based so I was good with it and excited to see it with my own eyes, there was no faking this! And I so badly wanted whatever 'this' was. Right before the bible study ended, one of the minsters came over to me, placed her hand on my shoulder and told me things that are just now making sense. 

She first asked me if I sang, to which I laughed and said "yeah but not very well at all." She said that she heard singing all around me. That singing would prove to me my daughter, she is literally always singing and now we are always singing "Sunday School" songs in the car.

She then told me that I have angels watching over me and I will sleep well tonight. WHAT???????!!!!!!!!! Ok, she had my attention! I NEVER told anybody about how I wasn't sleeping well b/c of my fears. How could she have known this? I started sobbing and she said: "You won't understand this right now, but you are a powerful woman in Christ." I'm still trying to figure out what that means and where God is leading me. Nothing about this moment was 'dark' it was very uplifting and comforting, and....she was right, I slept the best I had slept in a couple years! YEARS! 

This left me wanting more! I taught history, my brain works off of facts, events, dates, evidence....gimme, gimme, gimme! I wanted to have blind faith but I didn't. 'C' (one of the 2 ministers from the bible study) told 'M' that I needed to read "Why I Believe" by James Kennedy. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Believe-D-James-Kennedy/dp/0849937396

YES!!!!! This is what I needed, history, science, politics, and more to help me with  my need of FACTS! What an amazing book! 

SOOOO many of my questions were answered and right in time! Little did I know that when my son was born, he would spend his first few days in the NICU. I can't imagine going through that experience with a lack of faith! This was all perfect timing and I'm still blown away by the way and how quickly God was answering my questions! I never had to wait long for an answer and each time I got an answer it was in a way that I KNEW it was him! Over the next couple of months, I started reading new books that I found on my own. I came across "Heaven is for Real" and this book gave me so much peace and amazement. Those words don't even describe it. 

This book also settled a piece of me that I'm now so excited about. We found out we were pregnant with Kinsley after trying once. (Little more info than you probably wanted). We decided to try for baby #2 right before K turned 2. We found out early February (K's bday is 2/26) that we were pregnant! woohoo! However, 2 weeks later, we had a miscarriage, 3 days before K's birthday and birthday party. It was tough to put on a happy face but we did. By the end of that March, I peed on a stick, thought nothing of it, didn't even wait the 3 minutes before jumping in the shower. (I didn't think I was pregnant so it was whatever...) I got out of the shower, looked at the stick, and we were 'pregnant!' I called my husband who was sitting in his deer blind at his hunting lease and told him! He whispered his excitement! :) During the miscarriage, I kept questioning God. Why is this happening? What did I do? Why are you doing this to me? all the 'normal' questions. I did that for about 2 days and then stopped and apologized to God for ever questioning him, and instead, I just prayed for peace, understanding and for Him to heal our hearts! He did, 2 weeks later with our precious Colson! Anywho, this book has the EXACT situation. It left me with such excitement for Heaven and meeting our angel baby! What a comfort!!!! If you haven't read this book, it is a must read and for $5 at Mardel's....how could you not?! 

I know I have 'typed your eyeballs off' but I wanted to get this out here. I truly feel that we go through things so we can share and help others when they go through the same thing(s). I'm an open book and I can't WAIT to share the next part of my journey with who ever wants to listen/read it! The next part includes a funeral an experience that happened on March 16th, a very real and physical experience!