Battling My 18 Year Old Demon

Psalms 139:14   I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

As *cough cough* 30 rapidly approaches, whether I like it or not, I'm spending more time reflecting on my 20's. I keep thinking...why can't I get past my insecurities? Kinsley gave me a great wake up call a few months back when she told me that I was perfect and I went on to tell her how much God loves her and thinks she is perfect (obviously, along with myself) and how beautiful she is. WHAT A HYPOCRITE I was being! I'm telling my daughter something that I can't seem to make myself believe about me. I know we ALL struggle with our appearances and unfortunately, our society doesn't ever let us get past it and focus on what is really important. We've all had struggles and I'm tired of fighting mine. I'm tired of looking back and wanting to punch the crud out of myself for not just enjoying the way I looked, may not have been perfect but why couldn't I just look at myself the way God looks at me? Isn't HIS opinion what should matter the MOST? This has been an 18 year battle that has made it through surgery, 2 eating disorders, and a constant battle with an eating disorder mindset that I can't shake off. 

Let's start from the get go, I want to pick myself apart so you can see me the way I see myself. This is one of my favorite pictures but that being said, I can still pick out so many things 'wrong' with me. 

Here it is....

Ready! 

1) My hair is a dull dirty brown color, it looks frumpy and boring, plus it's a weird frizzy

2) My forehead is too big and now I have 2 wrinkles from always lifting up my eye brows

3) My eyes are too far apart and I have black spots on the white areas (kind of like moles--eww!)

4) My nose is wide and slopes down, the middle of the bottom of my nose is too low, I can literally touch my tongue to my nose

5) My skin still breaks out

6) My teeth are crooked from not wearing my retainer after braces for 8 years

7) I have a long neck and I have always had lines on my neck

8) Shoulders are too broad for my small frame, I can't wear certain tops b/c I look like a man

9) My arms are too long and skinny

10) Because my arms are so long and skinny, my hands look HUGE

11) After 2 kids, I have some toning to do on my 'back fat' and stomach (I was NOT ready to go that far to post a picture)

12) My butt is too big

13) My hips are too wide for my body

14) I now have some inner thigh-ness I need to work out

15) I have bird ankles

16) My feet look giant b/c I have skinny ankles

17) My ears used to stick out until I had surgery

I could find A LOT more but that's a good start! I'm NOT doing this for compliments as I actually am REALLY uncomfortable with them b/c I don't believe them so it makes it hard for me to think that other people could actually mean them. I wanted to do this post b/c I know, to some degree, we all battle with ourselves and I personally, am TIRED of it! I don't want to do it anymore. 

Where did all of this start? 

The first time I became aware of my appearance was in 1st grade. (I don't have a picture but just wait....). I woke up one morning, picture day at school, I was so excited! I put on my favorite pink shirt that had little blue bows on it, actually did my hair (half up and half down-early 90's style) and I couldn't wait to go to school for pictures! Probably just excited that it cut into class time! My class had lined up in the main hallway for lunch and on the other side, another class had lined up to follow us into the cafeteria. Across the hall I heard, "Look at Beth's ears, they stick out like Dumbo". (Yes, I was 6 and decided that Beth was the nickname of choice--oh help me!) I turned bright red and ran crying to the bathroom (which was behind the other class's side of the hall). I NEVER wore my hair up again that whole year. A summer passed and a new school year started again. I don't know why but I decided to wear my hair up again for pictures in 2nd grade. I wasn't going to let some little boy get to me like that. (Be ready for the beauty queen...)

Cutie-pa-tootie! MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Why did you let me out of the house like this? SERIOUSLY! Do you like the 90's body suit top...you know, the kind that snaps at the crotch and makes getting dressed interesting, especially when the snaps don't line up perfectly! Who invented those anyways?!

Anywho, SAME thing happened, another little boy made fun of me at lunch, right as I went to sit down at the table to start eating scarfing my food b/c we only had 15 minutes to eat. No Joke...I NEVER wore my hair up again, in any way, to school until my ear surgery (Otoplasty) for my 16th birthday! It was in 2nd grade that I started walking with my head down when I was outside b/c I didn't want the wind to blow my hair back and people to see my ears. If anybody even came CLOSE to my ears, I would automatically and quickly move my head away and I NEVER went swimming with my friends b/c I didn't want my ears to show. This was terrible in 5th grade when we went with our class to the community pool to take swim lessons and then again on our 8th grade field trip to Sandy Lake Park, there was swimming, but not by me, I stayed FAR away and kept a close eye on how far back the wind was blowing my hair! I MEAN SERIOUSLY...how much self confidence can you have when you can't even walk with your head up? I would cry all the time about my ears, every time I looked in the mirror. I even tried super gluing them back, I was that desperate...and dumb!

     Let me just show you other reasons I was made fun of, and kind of rightfully so.....

MOOOMMMMM!!!! Why did you let me dress like this? Hey....nice PERM, brace face! Good grief!

    Fast forward to sixth grade...the dreaded and AWKWARD middle school years! Most of the girls I hung out with were starting to 'develop' and some were at the end of the 'starting'...I however, was still hiding in a tree being a tom boy while God was handing out 'girl parts' aka: boobs! In 6th grade, I was getting ready to head off to Fresno, CA for Roller Skating Nationals. (It's everything they do on ice skates, just on roller skates and warmer!) 

   The Assistant principal came over the announcements in the morning to wish us luck, I was pretty pumped b/c she called us all out by name! THEN....my teacher, who I loved and still do, said she had a list of people that were doing picture retakes (you'd think I would grow up to hate pictures) and when she called our names, stand up as we are to leave when she was done. She called my name 1st, the 1st of about 10, so I had to stand there the LONGEST. When I stood up, a boy, who I still remember him by name, decided to say, in a rather loud voice: "look at Lizz, Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as your back." OUCH! And I still had to stand there while people were clearly now looking and laughing. GREAT! Crying in the bathroom became sort of a habit! For many many years, I was very self conscious of that and never wanted to be in a bathing suit! This was the year that comments were made to me by someone very influential in my life, about my weight and what I could do better if I lost some (skating wise). Now that I look at the above picture, I'm not sure WHERE I was supposed to lose weight from.....hmmmm.... 

   I started out just watching what I was eating, lost a few pounds. I had started to analyse my body like I had never done before. I would look in the mirror and actually see places I thought I needed to lose weight from and could see nothing else. It was my ONLY focus! That led into skipping a meal here, 2 meals there...I weighed about 45 lbs b/c I got down to eating ONE, 1, UNO, saltine cracker a day! I would break it into 4s and eat one in the morning, one at lunch, one after school and one for dinner. I obviously couldn't last on that for long so I slowly started eating again but this time, after I ate, I would throw it up. I was pleasing those that said I needed to eat and I was too skinny but at the same time, I was pleasing those that originally said I should lose a couple pounds. 45 lbs?! Just to put that into perspective, my 3 yr old daughter weighs 34 lbs! Here is a picture of her in my same skating outfit. 

Awww...she's so beautiful! 

I FINALLY was FORCED to eat, and it took awhile b/c my stomach was so small and not used to food staying in there. I was ghost white, my hair falling out and thin, you could literally count my ribs and I was being threatened to be taken to the hospital. I didn't want that so I picked food.

Ok...middle school summary: I spent almost everyday after school sitting in my bathtub at home, crying and crying and crying b/c I was made fun of all the time for everything! It was terrible and you could NOT pay me to go back! 9th and 10th grade were my darkest years yet, and surprisingly, not because of being made fun of or being tough on myself. A lot happened through those years that were life changing (I don't have the guts to post) but I turned to the wrong things to get over/deal with them and stopped caring about myself. I say that but at the same time, sophomore year, for my 16th birthday, my parents and grandma surprised me and told me that I was going to FINALLY get my ears pinned back! I started crying and laughing. My birthday is in November and my surgery was scheduled for over Christmas break! I couldn't wait! However, until then, (I made JV cheer that year), I was still going to wear my hair half up half down, with hair covering the front of my ears, hair spraying the sides of my hair so the wind couldn't blow it when I was cheering or being thrown into the air. I cut my hair really short, right above chin length, just so I couldn't wear my hair in a pony tail! Still walking with my head down. 

Far left in the front. See short hair half up, ears covered, and sides are NOT moving even though clearly, the wind is a blowin'.

Bottom left front. Cheering BEFORE ear surgery. 

Cheering at Regionals after surgery. Love those 'new' ears! 

After my ear surgery, I was a whole new person! After almost 10 years...I was walking with my head up while the wind was blowing! I got to just 'throw my hair up in a pony tail' and go. I had NEVER done that before! That was my one 'bright' moment of those 2 years. Honestly, sooooo much happened those years and looking back, I was beyond LOST, it's scary to me to see what I went through and how I dealt with it all. 

Throughout high school, I always had comments thrown at me about how skinny I was. I know people would kill to have that issue but to people that are self conscious about their weight, being told you are too skinny can be as hurtful as calling someone too fat. At this point, I would eat ALL the time and couldn't gain weight for the life of me. I hovered around 95ish pounds, I didn't break 100lbs until freshman year of college.It wasn't until I transferred schools my junior year that I finally felt comfortable with who I was and what I looked like. It took A LOT of picking myself up and keeping positive through the tears. I turned hurtful words and comments into motivation to be better than 'them'. I was determined not to fail and to keep going no matter what! And I did!  

I STILL very much struggle with my weight and my body. Being pregnant was the worst time for me, weight wise. I REALLY struggled everyday with it. It was awful! I'm very insecure and tired of it! I've had to ask my husband to help me with the mental part of the eating disorder mentality that has not gone away! He is on watch for any comments I make that might lead him to believe that I'm not eating again or I'm eating too little and trying to work out more than I'm taking in. I truly have to have him helping me b/c it is such a habit for me that I don't notice what I'm doing/saying about it, it's just natural and a part of me. I still look in the mirror and see the places that I need to lose weight, I hate being in a bathing suit, I feel the best in sweatpants b/c they hide everything, and I don't wear shorts very often! 

As I'm sitting here with my daughter and thinking about her growing up, I don't want her to go through this struggle, it take so much attention off of the important things. I have to think, what would I tell my daughter if she was being this hard on herself? Well...I would tell her that she is perfect b/c she is perfectly made. I would tell her that God made her the way HE wanted and HE thinks she is perfect! 

Matthew 5:48 -You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Of course I would tell her how beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, caring, compassionate, respectful...etc etc she is and how amazing of a daughter and big sister she is. 

If the Lord thinks we are beautiful the way HE made us, shouldn't we focus on that and not what others might say? Why do we put more weight on what others think of us instead of putting everything on what the Lord thinks of us? If Jesus loves me and God loves me, why am I even bothering to entertain what others think, who cares! 

I would tell my kids to let everything roll off their shoulders and if they couldn't, give it a good cry and move on. Work on the 'inside' and finding peace with the Lord and HE will give you peace with yourself. Jesus LOVES us so much that He died for us, a concept that I can not wrap my head around, He loves us just as we are. Shouldn't that be enough? 

I'm making the conscious effort to go into my 30's enjoying and appreciating what God has given me. In my 20's I'm looking back at my teens, thinking, what was I complaining about? Now I'm looking back at my 20's from my almost 30's and thinking the same thing, what was I complaining about? I refuse to go into my 40's thinking the same thing. I'm just going to enjoy life and truly try to get rid of this demon that is distracting me from what is important. 

My goal is to keep focusing on God, to not let the troubles of the flesh distract me, grow in my relationships, cherish my time with my family, and let my weight battle go. It has poisoned my life for too long and I know it is not of God. God would not want me to worry about that. I am his masterpiece and who am I to tell God that he is wrong and messed up on his 'masterpiece.' I'm going to love me b/c God loves me! 

Please know that I'm only sharing this b/c I need to face it myself and have never truly 'recognized' my problem like this. And...I know I have some of my former students reading this that might feel as alone as I did and I think the road that our lives go down and the trial we go through are meant to help others. God has been using me for his glory and I pray that he continues. I'm an open book and calling out all of my flaws with the safety net that I know the Lord loves me, flaws and all!