One of the biggest struggles I have had with moving forward in my life is letting go of the past. Past things I have done, decisions I have made, situations that have impacted my life and how I dealt with them. I really NEED to post this EVERYWHERE!
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I was re-baptized my freshman year of college and after that I have tried to walk a straight path....mostly I failed but the guilt I felt let me know that my heart was in another place, the right place. I grew up in a church so I always had that 'foundation' and over the years I was in and out of a relationship with God, when it was convenient, I was in. When it wasn't, I was out. Talk about commitment issues! My darkest time in my life was the end of my freshman year of high school to the start of my junior year of high school. That is the time period I struggle with the most! A lot happened in that time frame, situations were thrown at me and I always picked the wrong reaction and turned to the wrong things to get me through.
I'll keep this as short and detailed but in general as possible. I'll run through the list (but leaving out 2 'events' as I'm able to talk about them just yet. My parents divorced, I was involved in a major car accident that I was care flighted from (and I don't remember anything except what I was told), broken family relationships, run in with the cops (twice), drinking (among other things), an overdose in the hospital, and all this with nobody to turn to. Truly, I was LOST, and only now do I see how lost I actually was and how badly I veered off the road. I wish I could go back to 16 yr old me and just sit down with her, hug her and just listen. That's all I needed, really....and instead of seeking what I needed I turned to so many wrong things to drown it all out. It's so hard to handle adult situations when you are just 16. Having taught 16 yr olds, it gives me a better understanding of how young that actually is and how much there is to still learn about life.
The 2 events that I just can't write about happened first and those were the worst for me. I had no idea how to handle them, I honestly, couldn't even process them. One of them, my family has NO idea about and I'm not ready to share, the other, most people that know me, have no idea about but my family knows. So my little detectives....did I 'hide' that well enough? Both of those would impact how I dealt with relationships in life, they completely changed how I viewed them and how I was in the relationships. I felt I had nobody to turn to and nobody to talk to about them so...I did, what I thought, was the next best thing, drown it out and don't even bother dealing with it! How else do you do that when you are 16? Well....I was drinking everclear and gatorade before school, popping things throughout the school day at school, and then doing it all over again. This literally makes me sick to my stomach but at the time, I didn't know better. I had completely LOST my relationship with the Lord but I so thankful and grateful that HE didn't lose me or quit watching over me. I needed Him the most. I couldn't stand to be sober and took whatever was offered to me when really all I wanted was someone to reach out, someone to care. (I'm not saying my parents didn't but they had no idea what was going on with me, I was really good at hiding things).
About mid year, I was in a major accident, I was the passenger of a vehicle that was t-boned on 2499 and college (when it was a 2 lane road that was barely lit). The other car the driver's side of the car I was in. The driver of the car I was in was cut out of the car, care flighted to Parkland with a ruptured spleen, shattered hips, broken leg, head trauma....I think that's it. I just know that she had issues for quite awhile after. I remember the lights flooding in the car and then 'waking up' b/c it hurt to breathe (I assume from the seat belt), I spit out half a tooth, unbuckled, reached for the door handle and that's all I remember. I was told I walked across the street (at night) and was found laying in a ditch yelling out my friend's name. Care flight came and took me to Harris Methodist in Fort Worth. I was released that night but literally remember nothing! Nothing for the whole next week-ish...I think (I still don't know). The cops called my parents and told them I was being care flighted with head trauma. They couldn't tell my parents anything else...can you even imagine the panic? That was really hard to get over and I'm still very remorseful of that. But that added into the things I couldn't deal with. A couple months after that, I still doing the 'same ol same ol' but this time, I ended up in the hospital overdosing on some pills. It wasn't on purpose. I just didn't want to be sober. I wanted my problems GONE, and quickly. When my friend was driving me to hospital, I remember trying to use her phone to call my mom, I was holding the phone right up to my face and couldn't even see the buttons to dial, all I could see was flashing white lights. I did get ahold of my mom and started telling her 'good bye' I was almost certain I was about to die. When we got to the hospital, I was on the verge of a heart attack and had to drink the nastiest cup or 2 of liquid charcoal. Yes, the black coals you put on the grill, I was drinking the crushed up version of that with some ice. NASTY! I don't remember the recovery or much about the hospital. It was truly one of the scariest things. God knows me, He knows how stubborn I am and when I need to see something, He knows how to get me. I need to be basically, slapped in the face! Facing death by overdose....yep, slap in the face! I knew I was going to end up DEAD if I didn't stop this. I didn't want to be doing it in the first place but after awhile, I didn't know how to NOT do it. It was such an easy out, the easiest out I could find at 16.
I made a life change, for which, I am forever grateful. I got out of that situation and had a chance for a clean start (no, I was not intending to be punny there). I KNEW God was with me watching over me. He was just waiting for me to turn to Him. I wish I would have done it sooner and not gone through all of that. It was terrible but I'm not that person and haven't been for 13 years.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endur it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I KNOW God had a plan for getting me back on His path for me. It was mid Junior year that I met my high school boyfriend and his amazing family ('M' from the previous blog post). Yes, I'm still very close with his mom and sister, 13 years later! Never would I have thought it would have turned out like this but it was His plan. Anywho, his family is very much God oriented and I NEEDED that! I was 'cleaned up' but I needed direction now. I never had anybody hold me to certain standards until him (the ex), I really needed and wanted someone to expect something of me, to push me to be a better me, to get in my face and say...what the heck are you doing?! Call me out, I needed it! The relationship didn't pan out, as our personalities are like oil and water. We had good times together but were COMPLETE opposites on so many vital levels. I am however, grateful for all the things I just listed above. I can't walk away from a 3ish yr relationship and not try to find where God was working. His mom and sister have been helping to guide me on my walk with Christ and I will be forever in debt to them for their patience and understanding. This family was EXACTLY what and who I needed in my life. They helped to lead me out of the 'dark'.
Now it is amazing to look back and because I am found, I can see how horrible things were, how I did all the wrong things, reacted in the worst ways possible, and really just wanted to hear 'I love you'...or anything that I could have interpreted as caring. I'm not saying the friends I had, didn't care, but it was nice to break away and be free, a new start with a new crowd. It is so easy for me to look above all the situations now, know that God has a plan for me, I know where to turn when I'm feeling lost and need help or answers. It truly is the most freeing and carefree life when God is in control. I can't imagine being that person, I don't even feel like it was me.
Some may read this and judge me, I'm good with that, I just hope that those that might be going through this, especially some of mu former kiddos, will know that there is always somebody to help them and opening up is the hardest part. God will be there, seek him and you will find him (I know this first hand). I know God has forgiven my sins, I have cried many times to Him. He is always there and will ALWAYS be there! As my relationship with God has grown, I have this indescribable new view on life, and it is truly the most amazing and comforting feeling to take with me throughout the day. Well...so much for a short post! :(
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness 1 John 1:9
I left this post 'raw', I just wanted to write and get it out without playing English teacher. Thank you for reading and understanding. :)
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